Special No Ordinary Fool reporter and Kaiser Chiefs fanatic Skanger McNally files this exclusive report following the Oxegen festival this weekend:
Im tellin’ yiz. It woz de wurst Oxegen evah! Takin’ da bleedin’ mick dey wer.
Shag all drugs goin’ for a start. So zero buzz. Woz wreckin’ me head all weekend long, it woz. Too many o’dem poshos not up for a scrap eder. Feckin’ typical. Thank Jayz for dem culchies doh. Mad for a gud punch-up dey duz be!
Reminds me, de poxy security tuk me nife on de way in, so culdnt go slashin’ any tents r anytin’. Got busted den havin’ a dump aroun’ de back of de chip van. After dat, woz fecked out for flingin’ some of me mates about durin’ the Fratellis (mad dey were!) and den de Chiefs (bleedin’ rapid band!). Musta lost me lighter at sum stage dough, so culdnt even go n burn de tents of doz posho students.
To ad injury to insult, got bak late last nite to discuver me moh in de tent wid around 3 blokes. Ridin’ ‘n all they were! Wuldnt mind but it woz my bleedin’ tent dey werz all in! Stroked it durin the week ‘n evrythin’. Anyways, got back togeder wid her afterwords, so dats all grand now. Told her id get her sumtin new to were next weak. Wurked like a charm, it did!
Yed jazsin know it, doh, given my bleedin’ weeknd, but I even got cowt dis mornin’ nickin’ some clobber te were home. Like dat’s a crime! ‘Specially as its hardly my fault if I woz sick down d front of me Liverpool shirt overnite, now is it?
So, here’s me question for all youz readers of that posho Longman Oz (wot sorta puffter name is dat anyways?), howya supposed to have a bleedin’ lauf around here anymore? Stupid is all it is. Stupid.
Glad I forged da ticket to begin wid.
